At around 6:45 EST today, Boon "Boon" Nagooyen was found not in his bed, but in the bed of his roomate Kreese. Authorities say that Kreese stumbled into a darkened room only to discover Boon in what he thought was his bed, only for a surly Boon to ejaculate "This my bed, I make sleep! I drink too much milk!" So Kreese then ventured to the other bed to "make a sleep". Kreese then noticed that "the bed smell like asia farts" and decided to turn on the lights, finding a guilty Boon in what really was his sleeping area.
"What do you know! Boon lie! BOON LIE!" Kreese said.Kreese notified University of Virginia police after the discovery, and the law enforcers proceeded to beat Boon with their billy clubs. Boon's Judiciary trial will take place when he regains consciousness next Tuesday.
University Police were displeased with Boon's actions. "A lie is a lie," Judiciary Head Chairman Dick Boobfaart said. "And a Boon lie? I... I'm sorry this is just too much." Boobfaart proceeded to weep and shit his pants.
Kreese is currently at the UVa hospital undergoing treatment for shock and a urinary tract infection.
Emory � Emory University police were called to the dorm room of student Dan Fleeter yesterday evening, after receiving an alert of a code 562 in progess. A code 562 is police terminology for "an individual in possession of wild, uncontrollable yet lavish hair."
"A code 562 is pretty dangerous," Emory policeman Randall Poop said. "But when we got into Mr.Fleeter's room we found a fuckload more than that."
Authorities broke down Fleeter's door after getting no response to their knocks and pleas to let them in the room. They found a stunned Fleeter wallowing in crushed Baked Lays brand potato chips, astronaut ice cream, piles of stale dog food, and "what looked like bean dip". It was clear to officer Poop that "this kid was a huge loser."
A confession was extracted from Fleeter later that night. Fleeter admitted that he had "let himself go in college." Fleeter apparently had given up on any activities that didn't involve him stuffing his fat head. An estimated 900 pounds had been gained by Fleeter since his entrance into the University.
However Fleeter's glorious mane only proceeded to get more and more luxurious throughout his first semester.
"Mr.Fleeter may have let himself expand to the size of a very large man who ate too much food and therefore gained weight," Officer Poop said. "But his hair... it's nothing less than a national treasure."
Fleeter is currently undergoing therapy. But what about the 42 bags of Healthy Chow dog food in his room?
"It was a deal I couldn't refuse. The bags were marked down by 60 percent, and it promised a thick, luxurious coat. And looking at my hair, you can see it worked."
